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written and directed by Kyle Golemba

Capitol Theatre Arts Centre, Sculthorpe Theatre, Port Hope

June 3-8, 2025

Princeton: “I don’t know how I know, / But I’m gonna find my purpose” (Avenue Q)

Anyone who decorated his bedroom with pictures of Fred Astaire when he was only 12 is going to be an interesting person. This detail and many others are what we discover about singer/actor/dancer Kyle Golemba in his delightful cabaret Handsome but Charmless. The title comes from the worst review Golemba ever received, and the evening shares the worst reviews other Canadian music theatre performers have received, what it is like to be a music theatre performer in Canada and what it is that keeps them and him going. The show is candid, funny, thoughtful and studded with more than 15 well-chosen, beautifully sung songs.

When Golemba was thinking of creating a new cabaret show with Adam White, his best friend and cabaret accompanist for the past 19 years, he asked friends to post the worst reviews they have ever received. He got 78 replies and he scatters some of these throughout the show’s 80 minutes. He organizes the show according to the stages he went through in becoming a music theatre performer and in maintaining his career.

He starts out with how he came to think of music theatre as something he wanted to do. As a young person he thought that the fact that he and Fred Astaire shared not just the same astrological sign (Taurus) but the same birthday was a sign. He follows this piece of information with the song “Purpose” from Avenue Q (2003) which has the lyric, “Here’s a penny. / It’s from the year I was born. / It’s a sign!”

The pattern of bad reviews, personal stories and the performance of a song cleverly tied to his stories continues through the entire show, each set of stories taking us to a new stage in the process of becoming a performer. We hear of how Golemba from age 8 auditioned for shows for young people in his native Saskatchewan. We learn how he dreamt of performing as being a career, auditioned for Sheridan College and was accepted. We learn how auditioning never stops and is always fraught.

Golemba’s success doesn’t mean he never questions what he is doing. His account of John Mayer’s song “Why Georgia” (2001), with its refrain “Am I living it right?” sums up the times when Golemba has been overwhelmed with doubt.

We hear about onstage disasters such as when Golemba’s trousers burst their back seam just before he had to turn his back to the audience and bow in a dance sequence. We learn the difference between and understudy and a stand-by (Golemba has been both) and how in one of the Ross Petty pantos, the “flu”, later known as Covid, ran through the company until he alone had to play the parts of the entire male ensemble of four.

Golemba answers a number of questions that people ask of someone in the theatre. One is whether a person can make a living at it. Golemba says he has been lucky in his employment, but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t had to take other jobs when was “at liberty” as actors say, meaning “between jobs”. One job he was very good at was as a barista at Starbucks. Little did we know that baristas constantly share stories about their worst customers. Golemba was overjoyed when after a period at Starbucks he was hired by the Stratford Festival. He sings a perky song with extremely clever lyrics written by musical satirist Nancy White about just such a situation where an actor happily says farewell to his days of making crabby people’s coffee.

Another question related to his time at Stratford has to do with his not going with the rest of the company when Des McAnuff’s 2011 production of Jesus Christ Superstar went to New York. Golemba points how strangely New York-centric theatre in Ontario is and the concomitant belief that a performer has to have performed in New York City to have “made it”. Golemba states proudly that not going to New York led to some of the most important positive changes in his life, both professional and personal. It is so refreshing to hear someone admit that he doesn’t need to be a star to be happy. He performs because it is something he loves to do.

The show ends with Golemba reflecting on how lucky he has been and how satisfied he is with how his life has turned out. He is happy to be the “uncle” to the two children of his accompanist Adam White. Amplifying stories on this topic, Golemba sings “The Circle Game” (1970) by Joni Mitchell. The song’s lyrics, “We’re captive on the carousel of time / We can’t return we can only look / Behind from where we came”, reflect Golemba’s contemplation of a child’s growing up. It also sums up the goal of Golemba’s cabaret in looking back to show us where he has come from.

I have always enjoyed Golemba’s performances, but no musical provides the chance even for a lead to sing so many songs from such varied sources – from musicals of the past 65 years to folk-influenced popular songs to songs written specifically for him. Golemba’s vocal mastery shines. His strong but velvety voice is soothing, his high notes are especially fine and his ability to bring out the meaning and mood of lyrics is always impressive.

Accompanist Adam White always chooses the most appropriate tempo for each piece. In certain numbers, such as “Little Me” from the 1962 Cy Coleman musical of the same name, he sings alternating verses and in harmony with Golemba.

Handsome but Charmless is insightful, sensitive and humorous. To make the obvious comment, the cabaret reveals Golemba as anything but charmless. His honesty about his life and work and the sense of humour he reveals about both, make this a show that is perfect for anyone who loves the theatre. Since Golemba is so disarmingly candid about the high and lows, the joys and doubts, that a performer experiences, the show would especially be ideal viewing for anyone who is contemplating a life in the theatre and wants to learn from a congenial guide who has been through it all.

Christopher Hoile

Photos: Kyle Golemba and Adam White, © Sam Moffatt; Kyle Golemba; Adam White.

For tickets visit: capitoltheatre.com.